Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If only.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.