Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
You Might Also Like
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.