Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I WON A HAM TODAY
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.