in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA