The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck