Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
ready to be harvested
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!