Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
water it, i dare you
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.