[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
welp
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Mmmm canned fish.