I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I bet
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
how was your vacation