Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
everyone has that one prude friend
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.