Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.