“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
You Might Also Like
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Namaste
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My dog ate my work from home.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.