Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You Might Also Like
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A small tragedy.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.