Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars