ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Lmao 🤣
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”