Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions