Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
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i- i did not expect this
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family