ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
the simulation is moving too fast
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*cough*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.