ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses