ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King