Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.