ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.