escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.