me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”