me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.