Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Rt to bother an English speaker
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?