Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.