Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me as a parent
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.