Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
We have a winner.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part