ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
You Might Also Like
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I want this so bad
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Message from the dog groomers
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*