ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Ladies, why y’all do this?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]