ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
You Might Also Like
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
reduce, reuse, recycle
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”