Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Yoga Matt
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…