ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
only 11 steps left
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
We’re all getting idioter.