ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray