me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
What flavor cupcake are these
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird