Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I love the National Park Service.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.