me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.