me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
You Might Also Like
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Holy shit he’s back
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters