@kivtur: Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
@lordratsquirt: Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it's better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
@AdderallMomma: --Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?
Thanks auto correct, this is why I can't have nice friends.
@TheBeerGuy73: Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
@caliluvgirl77: If you slowly put your fingers in someone's mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.