@kivtur: Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
@moose_chocolate: "So you spend 6 bucks on a beverage that has no booze in it on purpose?"
-me to everyone at Starbucks.
@tuckerflodman: [1st date]
-I'm a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
Oh... Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
@WilliamAder: Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to "please pull up to the window."
@TheBoydP: Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
@PowKapowBoom: My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I'm really pissed that I didn't think of that first.