Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that