@kivtur: Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
@SonOfCha: Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
@ElleOhHell: Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
@KevinFarzad: Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: Pick that up!
7: Can't you?
Me: You're lower to the ground
7: But you're used to doing things that aren't fun
How's your summer going?
@bridger_w: When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won't have to look for one when I become a ghost