Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Breaking news:
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.