Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid