Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.