Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues