ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…