ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?