me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
You Might Also Like
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A game married people play.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
just having fun
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did