Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
No, he would not have.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.