Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A woman drives into a bar.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
huge if true: the moon
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!