Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress